Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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