i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
