Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
