If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize