I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
