Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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