____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
