He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
