I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
