I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
His nipple licking is glorious
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