Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize