Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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