Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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