Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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