If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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