so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
