im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
