I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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