32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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