I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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