he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
