Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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