You really coming over, don't trick.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
