Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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