dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
