Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
