i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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