I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
