you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
