And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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