I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
