just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
