I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
