I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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