I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize