Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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