Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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