I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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