I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
