I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize