I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
