who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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