Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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