he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
