You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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