I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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