the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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