I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
