my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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