This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
