Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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