barbara walters just said penis...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize