Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
