We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
