Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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