This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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