Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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