I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize