clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
