I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
